not much i can say

all i can actually say was ouch that hurt.... pinche juan

14- mystery

Look, it cannot be seen - it is beyond

form.

Listen, it cannot be heard - it is beyond

sound.

Grasp, it cannot be held - it is

intangible.

These three are indefinable;

Therefore they are joined in one.

From above it is not bright;

From below it is not dark:

An unbroken thread beyond

description.

It returns to nothingness.

The form of the formless,

The image of the imageless,

It is called indefinable and beyond

imagination.

Stand before it and there is no

beginning.

Follow it and there is no end.

Stay with the ancient Tao,

Move with the present.

Knowing the ancient beginning is the

essence of Tao.

the beautiful mess

The beautiful mess i've become, is like no other ever seen.

to spike and spring from every seam, what a wonderful thing it seems. A gash of red a dab of blue, no clue that i was watching you.

From far away, you observe me to, what a beautiful mess you slew. A touch a kiss, no love in sight. both fear a broken heart. so just keep watching me walk by. dont say a word, dont think anymore, it hurts to know that it could all break with a wrong move on the board, one wrong word. nothing works anymore.

Not your toy son. so put me down

Im no ones toy, but somehow i feel like i have just been played;

Like the dusty 64 in the corner of the living room.

I want to reach out and touch your hand, but in the end i get nothing.

air between my fingers and my own saliva on my lips- i eagerly wait like your puppy.

Im more obedient than you give me credit for love.

No where to be found is what i am looking for- i search in vain.

I know your tired, but sometimes i just wish that you would push a little further as i do

i try not to wear all my fealings like a mask, but lately its all i can do.

complaints left and right that i look upset, or worried, or flustered. im too "pissy"

so i just shut up and agree- i know they are right, even if thier wrong, thier always "right"

Wrong!

Im not a stupid kid,

im not your toy

Im not your punching bag

im invisible

People just shut the fuck up

i want you out of my head, i want to be alone again

lonliness was the best drug out thier.

It gets cold after a while

sometimes, fire burns

most times it soothes the frozen part of me

numb to tingly,

atleast i know i am alive.

yesterday never came

we were all ready,

the only thing left to buy was the influence.

u said you wouldnt do it but you did, you walked out.

i told you to leave, nd now im all alone.

I dont care, ginger will take care of me,

im loved by everyone,

but I think thats why you say no.

i could be wrong, nd its so hard to move on,

but i know in a couple of months, i will probably be fixed

and i will look back and laugh of what we've done.

We are just a bunch of stupid kids right?

Quiet hearts reminder...

i told you how i felt about everything thats been going on.

you tripped out and said i could be nothing more,

inside i tried to hold it back but eventually it came out. I followed you like a lost puppy (against my best of friend's advocacy)

you keep saying no, but your notions and words silently whisper yes.

its like your trapped under a layer of ice, i'm just the heat you need to defrost you from the seams, and make you melt away into my palm with ecstasy.

but everytime i bring them up, you grow another layer, i cant just get rid of them.

they are my new family, im not telling you to love them, but you cant just put them on the spot.

Make up your mind and scream your thoughts cuz your confusing me dear. I mean it.-- but you wont ever know im even here.

Sitting on a cloud

Floating on the clouds like a dream

droplets forming on my skin

never want to fall off this scene

i don't know where to begin...

do not hold me down

please let me go

please let me be on my way

oh please i don't want to stay

The droplets on my skin, start forming into ice

oh it gets a little cold, it really doesn't feel so nice

how i want to stay up in the clouds

and savor the open air

do not hold me down,

please let me go

please let me by on my way

oh please i

don't want to stay with you

im not going back down to where the dirt and the air kiss..

im not following you back home.

No heart to call my own but yours

i gave you mine but you broke it-- fucking butter fingers.

dont hold me down

just let me go away

let my fly into the horizon

just let me by on my way

Shhhh- tell no one....

My body felt what happened, yet he denied it.

I told him he had done me wrong, yet he denied it.

I told him to please stop, yet he kept going.

Going until his disgusting poison was inside me,

all i can do is hope his seed has not rooted in my womb.

I want to cry, but nothing comes out. Why?

Oh Why do things like this happen in the world?

All i was doing was minding my own tune.

Staying out of sight, out of mind of drivers.

at 1:32am, August 2, 2010. I was raped.

He raped my body,

and he might have raped my future, or was that all me for making that mistake of walking down the road in the middle of the night?

I want to crawl up in a ball and die now :/

Today-

I faked a headache... but i did all my chores- twice!

and i havent slept a wink.. its gonna be a great night of sleep lol

midnight hunger pangs

It's kinda funny how, its 1:36 am, I'm STARVING, and I'm not the least bit tired...

I want some wattaburger! >.<>

SICKENING!-- Sometimes I secretly wish I could rip it from their soft teenage hands, and shove it so far down their throats, that they feel it vibrate in their anus as the next incoming message sets off the mechanism inside and some odd tone plays marking the next stupid response of "lol"...

I met a guy named Noor yesterday- it was interesting :D

charlie the unicorn

shunnnn the non beleivers.. SHUNNNNNNNNNN

LMFAO

So far..

... I think I am finally done seeing all of what life has had to offer me, these last have sucked monkey balls beyond recognition. I think the reason I am having trouble sleeping now is that, I have not found someone to bounce off of. I though it would be easy to find, am I looking in the wrong places? Or is it just that I am not trying hard enough?

Should I lose those extra pounds and hope to Jeabuz that I wont be as invisible to people as I always have been?

What ever it is, I would get a sign. I know god isn't supposed to give me these signs because of past arguments [e.i. I am a Taoist] But hell, not even DAD [Charles Shoults] can help me out with this. I'm still on my own; their is still so much to do, and I don't have enough time to finish...

Those moments i like..

The ones that do not have much to say than what they actually are :)
now if only i could get my old man to the doctor UGH

Wisdome.. teeth

so i got my wisdome teeth taken out yesterday.

I was knocked out completely, but my mom said that when i woke up i was crying and whispering somebody's name. I dont remember a thing after waking up- but i do remember what happened as i was under...

I had that dream again. The one about the forest :/

I want to know what it means but every time i get close to finishing, i die and or wake up.

I havent told my therapist the whole dream, with details and everything. My mom is always around and this is something i want to figure out on my own.

but alls the same, I have a monster in the clost and a dagger in my heart.

untitled love?

If i could give you a kiss i would give you a thousand.
And let them flutter by like their is no tomorrow,
Just grazing up on that beautiful land
nothing to fear, nothing to follow.

If i could give you a hug i would
No less than a million
no less than i ever should,
that numbers more than a billion.

A poem that made me cry

I am One of Them

By Thayer Mangeres

(TEENAGE DIRTBAG)

A squirrel, two sparrows.
A crippled dog.
Hit. Grasp, save, grasp, hit, miss.
Miss. Miss again.
And I see your eyes.
Fur, feathers. Blood. And that noise.
Tree, fence, sunshine. Miss. Save.
Hit. Hit again. And that noise.
Sparrow.
I’d pick you up from the grass.
But there’s nowhere to take you...
I am one of them.
Sister of mine, don’t worry.
Hit, miss, save.
Skin, bruises, blood.
And I see your eyes too, Sister.
I say don’t worry, but what am I going to do?
I’d pick you up, but where would I take you?
I am one of them.

What i neglected to confess

It was only a click, a tick, a stutter
then suddenly my mind did clutter.

Paranoid of Depression around the corner,
with a dagger i was slain.
Who else was their to blame, other than the change
in times lest habits of the game we play.

It's gray and black and even blue,
no one ever dares to dance to the toon.
Now let me tell you about a dream i had,

Something I've never told mom and dad (shhhhh)
the one I've suffered every day.
In it every agonizing way
to die and come back when i awake,
to realize it was all just fake.
It starts out with this tamed black lab,
who follows me around just a tab.

Guards me close like a child,
Silent like death- but reaks of hope.
Oh i love this DOG! namelss it may be
on day it will name me
its proud owner, no mistake
first i have to partake- in the dream.

so it starts out in a Forrest, i sit on the floor,
their nothing around me, just silence and gore.

baffled i ponder how it smells so grim,
and anxious to know when the game will begin.
hiding my face from any small light,
almost shitting myself from the fright.
My eyes adjusting so slowly to glows,
just to search vainly on the dim lit floor.
out of the corner of my eye,
the pooch comes to spy.
My assent to insanity,
my contribute to humanity.
comes it hardly, rubs against my by and by,
i follow it quietly past the guy
i did not see standing against the flesh strung wall
he follows us tacitly down the long hall.
I sense him i spring into a great sprint,
Until he appears in front and gave me a hint.

"It's no use running, you stupid brave cunt"
he retorted, ha sputtered, oh just too blunt.
I slipped and ran the other way
still unsure if my sanity was astray.
"I will say it once more,
get down on the floor,
or face a pain like no otherbefore"
belched he in many voices
making one too many noises.

"shut up! your not real.
I know your a lie,
Or realy not alive."meakly said I.

"i warned you, no get down on your knees,
and bid a dew, your sanity"

and with a gash and a smirk,
maybe a flint too
he kicked me down,
and beat me up- i swear i didn't frown

as i laughed i just said,
right 'fore i went dead
ill be back tomorrow
so prepare- ill be back with the battle

1 sleepless night after jail....

i feel distorted.. hurt... changed...

but everthing else around me stays the same..
how come?

Picture perfect day

today, my baby maker hurts :/

i feel a kick of hope then again a cramp of fear...


which one is it..
i don't know anymore, someone look at my face and please please somebody tell me what they see.

The color of a feeling

does anyone have any idea how lonely blue feels?
what about how absent the color red looks?
no attraction what so ever to anything anymore.. man.. i want a muffin.

Now how do i deal with what is going on? do i tell my mother of my unsuspected surprise? nah, I'm moving out anyways, but then, how do i tell him? his own kid.. or maybe what? no one knows.. yet another bastard illegitimate child brought in the form of a Phoenix that fell from the sky.

I love it...

but still, does anyone know what the color grey feels like?
lonely, yet sufficient enough to stroke my ego.. and fill the empty black void inside me.
a tone rather than a color betters my judgement tenfold- then again, it can quickly damn it.

AHH FUCK HERE IT COMES! ...
.
...
......
...
.
~ACHOO!~

FUCK SUNdays...

I hate sundays..
ive spent yet another sunday doing laundry, getting screamed at, and sleeping..
all have a reason behind them though.

now.. on to better things... im actually txting davesott@yahoo.com XD prepared to get spammed david! **not to be confused with DAVID PAZ.. which i rly loathe for no apparent reason.. hope he gets this. :D**

now.. i will tell you i have selective listening, so i only hear what i want to hear..
so this is what i hear in a convestion... "yeah, he was (on my laptop once and he did the cutest thing with a pencil. man i have been) MASTERBATING like so much..(what is wrong with me?).."

man i took a pic of my sister typing.. she hasnt noticed the computer isnt even on

yet.. LMFAO

18 & PREGNANT WITH CONFUSION

Im really confused.. is thier at least ONE person out their who can give me what I want? A companionship and comrodary for life! seeing as we both have faced adversity.. then what?
Do we go separate ways?
OR do we continue our oddesy into the selfish ooblivion of time?
Cant anyone here me screaming TREASON, as the tears race down my face and taint my silken blouse a crimson hatred turned by agony? or have people been too caught up with their intricate unimportant details, to sustain what they peacefully have, to notice how other people are in pain around them?


WHY DOES THE SKY WEAP?
No one notices its screams and roars in the distance as it tantrums closer do they? NO... Its the same with me. I am mute, silent now of desire to continue forth without a companion, not because I am afraid and hurt, but because the rest of my journey is to be accompanied by a hero... MY hero and I know I will be alone

Next time you ask me what is wrong, shut up and look at my face for once... watch hard enough and you might see a slip in my phony smile.. a slip in my features.
You'll notice weakness, yet in a moments notice, strength once again takes over my face and I will continue like nothing is wrong.. I know I'm an invisible warrior fighting a beast too bit to kill.

Third period... again

LATELY.. i have been posting only during third period.. and mostly on a daily basis.. i think i have no life

OH GOD I KNOW I HAVE NO LIFE :S
grrr.. now last night i pissed off a couple of people..
1. Scott moyer
2. Chris (whatever his name is)
3. Nick (" ")

rly.. pplz i dont care if i have a potty fucking mouth.. or that i have to sleep
im not gonna submit to you so forget it.. its not me, and never will be

now some one save me from my boredom or feel my wrath
LMFAO-NOT. -_-'

Sm@a1L AcC0mP1!$HM3NT$

Today i gave a muffin to Jasmine Salgado... I feel accomplished :D

MY RIBS HURT

OKAY, I'm in third period again... we are designing websites (html of course) and my ribs hurt because this morning i woke up funky...
I really miss my bf :/ the new one anyways lol I got to talk to LEROY this weekends. It was the shit-disco. i think i want I'm to dye my hair, or at least get Denise to give me some high lights or something. i feel like I'm missing something (like my bf :/ ) I know ill figure it out by the end of the week-- but WHAT EVER. -_-
I also talked to my dad.. well they guy who volunteered to be him. He was having shit luck like i was as well.. i forgot to tell him i got a new set of choppers lol they are so white! i have to get my original teach bleached to make them match or else people will know that they are not mine.
I dont think im missing anything other than i made a new friend.. his name is chris and i chilled with him on a sat lolol :D
umm ill put a pic of him below

THIRD PERIOD ON A THURSDAY

WELL.....
Today is thursday.. and i am not gettting along with my inner feelings well.. I am hiding them well but i mean, i feel like they are going to spill out anymoment.. i only have to wait a little more and then i know it will bel over...
grrr my muscles are sore! and well.. that is just adding to my mental fatigue, know what i mean?!
ahhh im tired of all the noise.. i dont want anything anymore!!! I FEEL LIKE BEING ALONE FOR A LITTLE BIT (yep; just me and my lethargic typing) As you can see... i rly dont want to be here today.. its a pain in the ass and well.. i just wish i could kiss the fish goodbye and re-invent myself again.. or atleast come out as who i realy am in this life. - a chicky momma who loves women and isnt afraid to face advercity! >_<

MY MOM IS MAKING ME STOP WRITING TO PEOPLES IN JAIL.. and that also has me a bit down.. but hey
i have no idea what her problem is but i know she knows best (i hope).

My days during testing...

I spend time in the theatre at school during testing.. Gah... wish people could see what is realy inside of me. o_o

anyway, while in the theatre, i noticed, im the only girl their XD after that the rest of them are my guy friends... I have a feeling im just a dumb tag along. :/ but i will never realy know will i?
Anyways, i took the pic above when chris (dude) was sitting on my lap... he is like a little leperchaun! hahaha :D
well i just hope not too many people read this. >_< or else! jk jk

oh and by the way, i figured out my court is set to friday, in the afternoon :D man... that lawyer rox my sox.. now hopefully he can keep me out of jail long enough to graduate and do something with my life :p

WTF.. how did this happen?

Okay, so now I have court in two weeks. :/
Bet you would like to hear the story right? :(
FUCK I'M DEPRESSED ;.:(

So the court thing started on Saturday, I was at home and my dad left for central America without saying good bye. I cried my eyes out, and after throwing up for a bit, i tried to sleep. (I sleep when I do not feel good.) While I struggled to fall asleep, my neighbors dog started barking outside my window, and it peeved me. So after three hours of that, I snapped. Went outside, and kicked the dog until it would shut up... eventually till the skull cracked. Then i dragged it to my neighbors front door and rang the bell. I got arrested that evening. I also maid bail in a couple of hours.